Thoughts
So.
This is the end of an age.
I want my life to mean something. Not to other people, but to myself. I want to have meaning.
But I don't want a small meaning. I want an infinite meaning. I want the world in the palms of my hands.
Or at least to be a finger of the hands that hold the universe.
Every moment has meaning.
Would it really be worth it, to save a world if I couldn't remember it?
Would I go home?
"Do you fear being shaken by the shoulders like an etch-a-sketch. Being mugged for your memories? I do. They are my first most prized possession."
I want my memories to be valuable.
I want to see the stars.
"Do you feel it in your bones?"
Not 'what do I want'. I want everything. I want infinity. I want infinite perfect worlds with infinite perfect things and infinite perfect people.
But who do I want to be? Do I want to be a god? Do I want to be more?
Anything I create will be less than me. And I am imperfect.
I want to be perfect.
I want to spectate. I want to fly.
I want to be Matthias. I want to be weird to be memorable. I want people to remember me. But who do I want to be.
I want to know. I want to know what I am doing. I want to have confidence that I am right. Not to fly, but to fight. For a cause. For the right cause.
I am nothing without other people.
"He just needed saving from himself."
I want to be powerful.