Thoughts
I’m just a screwed up person.
In 6th grade the Chinese teacher would give a piece of candy to the student that got there first. She had these Asian candies with edible rice-paper around them, and I ran to class every time because I really wanted one. I was never first, and the one time I was she didn’t have the candy, and gave me like a lollipop instead. And I hate myself for not making it to class faster. And I hate her for having such an arbitrary and dumb reward system.
I’m a screwed up person.
I can’t take it. I pick things to care about, like getting that candy, and if I fail, it just destroys me.
I say I’m not competitive, because I don’t have a lot of things that I care about winning. But if I try to win and I’m not good enough, that just destroys me.
I actually didn’t get to class first. I actually don’t deserve the candy. I’m actually not good enough.
I have absolutely no fear of losing. But the fear of not being good enough absolutely destroys me. It keeps me up at night, it paralyzes me to inaction during the day.
I don’t want to be a bad person. I DON’T WANT TO BE A BAD PERSON.
*am I a bad person?*
Do I need to come to terms with the fact that I’m a bad person? Or do I need to come to terms with the fact that I’m not a bad person just because I make some mistakes?