Thoughts
It’s almost interesting. I ran out of hope. I thought it would be my pain tolerance or my patience or my energy but it was my hope.
I guess hope is easier to claw back, since there are both rational and irrational reasons for hope. But no one wants rationality anymore. Can you believe it? We mock the rationalists. Freedom is the freedom to say 2+2=4 and I am completely enslaved for my own mind refuses to allow me to say the hopeful things that I know are true.
I don’t think I lost faith. I think there is a good God who has the power to save me even now at my worst moment. I just don’t think he will. Some will go to hell, to say otherwise is blasphemy. Why not me? Why should I accept a salvation that I don’t deserve? Why should I give up the small fragment of control I have over my life as I sit here, choosing whether to spit on my kitchen floor or on my own naked body. Why should I let God pull me up from where I sit typing and drooling on myself? Better to die painfully than to live an imperfect life, right? Claw out your own eyes, right? Well I’ll do you one better, I’ll claw out my life and then I’ll go to hell anyways.
Maybe it is my strength. Maybe I’m not strong enough. Maybe if my dad had beat me as a child then I wouldn’t be such a wimp, falling over and dying as soon as my life got a little hard.
I suppose I should redact this later since it might cause others to spiral. And I wouldn’t want anyone to do that (except me).
Don’t worry I’m going to bed, I’m going to bed. Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning.