Thoughts
My multi-day evil arc continues.
To keep you up to date:
Evil philosophy:
* There is no hope
=> https://thoughts.learnerpages.com/?show=78076c81-3dce-4cc6-ad8b-cad08822c620
* There are rational reasons for hope, therefore, there is no rationality
* I am uniquely unlovable. It is impossible for any other human to understand or relate to any aspect of my life. I hate and despite people who think they know who I am.
* My own suffering and pain is good. I should seek out ways to harm myself and to make my life worse in order to hopefully push me towards the relief of suicide
* It's not worth acting in good faith towards other people. But I will sometimes be nice to them for selfish reasons, either because I want to or so that they don’t hurt me
* I am weak and pathetic and the overwhelming pain and pressure and stress which is crushing me and driving me to suicide is no big deal and anyone would shoulder my life’s burdens super easily, and therefore, I am uniquely unsuitable to living and do not deserve to continue doing it
* Since I no longer care about meeting my social and moral obligations, I will likely do more than harm than good in the future, making it rational and moral for me to die. (This is not a reason for me to kill myself, since I don’t care about justice or rationality, but if you do claim to continue to care about rationality or morality, you should kill me.)
* People are absolute idiots. They fail at doing what they intend on doing most of the time
Okay, so, what went wrong. Well, there are two major problems with my previous life philosophy.
Firstly, I was waaay too prideful. I thought about myself all the time. My source of hope and motivation and even my motivation for doing good was my own pride, and my own desire to be a good person. This is, of course, hypocritical and illogical. Here's the thought where I start to realize this.
=> https://thoughts.learnerpages.com/?show=b9208eb8-2102-4bb4-971e-2b81dcdbdbeb
After pulling on the thread of "why do I spend so fricking much time thinking about myself and my own actions when I claim to be alive in Christ," it became apparent that that my complex, self-referential, reflective, drive for personal perfection is moral OCD borne out of pride. I heard a sermon on Psalm 4:8 on the 19th and took some notes, including "Think about others. Don’t think about yourself. Let God think about you."
And so, in some ways, this is just the result of dismantling that "complex, self-referential, reflective drive for personal perfection." I'm saying things that are illogical and that I know are wrong, but I'm no longer listening to the voice in my head that say "um, actually! You can't say that, it's technically wrong." Rationality is dead.
=> https://thoughts.learnerpages.com/?show=f91d66f4-18b3-4f21-85ef-7cacf911827f
But I started spiraling before that. This is the 16th, and I've run out of hope, but I haven't used that phrasing yet.
https://thoughts.learnerpages.com/?show=754be8dc-ca70-4a79-98e0-deb961149684
I think maybe my second issue is that brutal rationality, which has always been a huge part of my philosophy, is at odds with the radical love that Jesus calls on us to share with others.